In the article "Children are much more relaxed than you think", therapists Cordes and Braun explained why parental separation does not necessarily result in trauma for the child and when separation may even be necessary and good. This time we asked the two experts how a separation can be continued in the best case scenario.
How can a good relationship be formed after the separation?
Not butterflies in your stomach, but anger! According to Braun, when the love affair is over, feelings of "failure" naturally accompany it. Cordes explains that a new relationship with the separated parent can be established well "when negative emotions are no longer present." That takes time, though. Parents were often together for many years before they separated. They have a long history together. "It's hard to come down from a deep injury," Robert Cordes knows. In such cases, it is then a matter of creating an "awareness" of one's own feelings and recognizing "what really has to do with the other. Every separation is also a chance to better understand yourself and your own needs.
"We are determined by the unconscious," explains Robert Cordes. Our subconscious stores all situations and emotions that were once important. In relationships, ancient emotions play a role. Emotions that come from old situations or even from one's own childhood. "I confuse, for example, my partner or ex-partner with my mother." In a tense break-up situation a lot of emotions come to the surface with force, which before might have just smouldered.
Both parents need, as Cordes puts it, "a little space to express themselves".
Psychologist Braun emphasizes how important it is to leave "one's own well-being" out of the equation when it comes to children. Children must always be allowed to have contact with both parents.
Once the love affair is over, it's also about "taking the other person seriously as a new person." Opening the door to the future and welcoming a new togetherness.
Old injuries can heal
Our experts: Joachim Braun is a certified pedagogue, couple and sex therapist as well as child and youth psychotherapist in his Practice in Berlin-Charlottenburg. He was a long-time employee of "pro familia Berlin". Robert A. Coordes is a certified psychologist, systemic therapist and family therapist as well as head of the institute and founder of the Institute for Relationship Dynamics in Berlin
Joachim Braun is a certified pedagogue, couple and sex therapist as well as child and youth psychotherapist in his Practice in Berlin-Charlottenburg. He was a long-time employee of "pro familia Berlin".
Robert A. Coordes is a certified psychologist, systemic therapist and family therapist as well as head of the institute and founder of the Institute for Relationship Dynamics in Berlin.
Robert Cordes considers the "psychological approach" to deep-seated morbidities and injuries to be the best. Even if it is easier to blame the other person and give him the failure for the relationship. He recommends that both parents focus on themselves and ask themselves the following questions
- How can I deal with my difficult emotions?
- What is my own part in the (difficult) situation?
- What can I change?
It is absolutely necessary to get professional help, because many patterns are buried in the subconscious. The same feelings over and over again? People only feel that certain topics or emotions repeat themselves in their lives. The fresh view by coaches and psychotherapists can help to leave such repetitive loops. In the best case it allows new ways of thinking and perspectives to emerge.
Conclusion: How well parents deal with each other after a separation and get into conversation depends on the extent to which all those involved have allowed and processed the pain and the negative feelings associated with it. Self-reflection and the recognition of one's own parts is helpful for this process, but without slipping into self-reproach. If parents are able to accept their past and the mistakes they have made, it is also possible to see the others in a new light and take on new roles in the family system
Are you looking for support in partnership conflicts or are you thinking of separating yourself? Here you can get more information.
You can read here that the Corona Crisis also affects children. Education expert Klaus Hurrelmann therefore says: "Children want to be taken seriously!"
Articles on the topic
Unclear specifications require responsible design
How young and old maintain social contacts even in lockdown
Experts explain why it is not the separation that makes the trauma
When the rules of the pandemic collide with the desire for autonomy
Lena talks about the attempt to separate from her partner with two children
How can a youth social worker help with conflicts?